“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me