No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
💻🤡
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.