“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.