God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!