Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.