Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.