Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?![]()
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
❤️🦆
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert