Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Become ungovernable.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.