Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*gets down on one knee*
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.