i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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They grow up so quick
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
He’s dead
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I am HOWLING at this
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?