I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me checking my bank balance online.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.