Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman