In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.