Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.