[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org