Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Godspeed, John Glenn
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Mad Max Arctic Road
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”