*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
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hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.