“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?