Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Natty or not?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Beware…..
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)