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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.