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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING