My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs