when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
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“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.