when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
You Might Also Like
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.