If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.