me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
You Might Also Like
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.