trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
You Might Also Like
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The Punning Dead.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.