When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons