I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m too immature for adultery.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass