Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.