The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…