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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
how to have fun when you’re poor
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Stop it! 😂
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!