I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
You Might Also Like
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
*has no idea what a book even is*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced