Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
You Might Also Like
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Incredible customer service.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.