STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“TGIM!” – My liver
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.