I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
multitasking lunch
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Plant care tips
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”