The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
this is how life feels
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”