The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.