I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.