I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.