Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.