Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

@simoncholland

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@notacroc

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@HomeProbably

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

@traciebreaux

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@Contwixt

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.