It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Goodnight 🐶
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what