me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
mmm onion ringos
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
i dont have time for this
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me