I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
every. time.
From Facebook just now…
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears