I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”