Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
looks legit
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.