*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
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Facebook memories be like
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.