Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Not today. 😅

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.