My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.