The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My work here is done
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume