Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.