I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”