kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
![]()
You Might Also Like
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
![]()
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
@funTweeters
![]()
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
![]()
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”![]()
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
![]()
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!