kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
LMAO.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.