6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Something Saturday.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.