“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If you know, you know 😂🚔
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
put ‘er there pardner!
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first