I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Good morning, Twitter 😊
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother